I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
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Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I can’t be the only one 😂
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
🙂🙃🥹
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”