Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
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Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.