Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over