as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
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Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Rt to bother an English speaker
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Holy shit he’s back
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.