Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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Maybe jesus needs me in his life
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?