I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
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Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.