CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
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Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.