My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
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ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU