Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
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I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Feels like the fourth month in January
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.