Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
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Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book