Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
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Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.