Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.