Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
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Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
😂😂😂
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.