I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
You Might Also Like
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
your elf on the shelf was delicious
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free