wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
You Might Also Like
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
One of the best
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.