Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
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movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Seas the day!!!!
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*