I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
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fixed it
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb