Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
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I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.