Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.