*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
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Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.