I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not