ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
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her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.