I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
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You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Breaking news:
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
RT if you could go either way.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂