Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
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[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I ate everything, including the H.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese