Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
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[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.