rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
You Might Also Like
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Personal question. #JustSaying
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.