How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
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I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
tinder is all about the long game
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.