Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
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Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
the prophecy has been fulfilled
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place