Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
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My whole life was a lie.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
The devil.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.