*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
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You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
haha same
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!