Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
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interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”