I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
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Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.