My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
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My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
spot the difference
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Sounds like a bargain
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.