(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
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Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…