Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
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ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one