[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
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Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Cheers Twitter.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.