“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
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Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
This will never not be funny to me.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.