I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
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As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’