[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
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just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
How dude HOW?!
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.