I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
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It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Good point.
TODAY
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
get you a girl who
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.