I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
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Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
when you order from DoorDastardly
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier