A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
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You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?