i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
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When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral