Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
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My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.