Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
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putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
me 2 months after i graduated
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.