My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.