I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
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Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I needed a laugh this morning.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.