I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
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Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I’m already scared
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning