I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
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One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
*praying for world peace*
God:
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.