You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
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Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Finally!
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️